our cab driver is having phone sex.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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