TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize