you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
