it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
