there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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