Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
