I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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