My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
