I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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