I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
