i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
