I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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