I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
