he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
