What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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