A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
