Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize