man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
