watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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