This is not my ceiling
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
