Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
