Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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