the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
