this beer tastes like vomit already
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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