im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
