Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
