Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
