nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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