U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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