i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
