Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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