What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And my parents said I crawled through the house
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
