I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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