im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
