First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Its about making memories worth repressing
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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