call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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