she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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