theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
