tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
