so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
