On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
