She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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