; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
