The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
