new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I sprained my soul last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize