Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
