i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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