My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
