I faked an abortion last night.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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