My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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