I will die if light touches me.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize