I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
