Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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