I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
