Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
