i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
