you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
