Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize