Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
