It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
