I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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