the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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