I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
