I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
