i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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