fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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