She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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