What a fucking waste of an outfit
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Houston, we have a squirter
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
