Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
