just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
