I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
