I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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