the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
