so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
